A collection of Funny Geek quotes / Computer jokes


•    There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who do not.

•    If at first you do not succeed, call it version 1.0

•    I am not anti-social; I am just not user friendly

•    My software never has bugs. It just develops random features

•    Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF, and my entire base belongs to you

•    In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

•    Hand over the calculator, friends do not let friends derive drunk

•    I would love to change the world, but they will not give me the source code

•    Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

•    The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. Therefore, I installed LINUX

•    A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax

•    UNIX, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly

•    A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila

•    The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong

•    UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity

•    Ethernet (n): something used to catch the ether bunny

•    C://dos

•    C://dos.run

•    run.dos.run

•    You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead

•    JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!

•    1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

•    Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive

•    How do I set a laser printer to stun?

•    There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer

•    Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button

•    It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard

•    Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!

•    The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are

•    Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers

•    The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers

•    If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture

•    COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

•    Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning

•    LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses

•    The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program

•    Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping

•    Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs

•    Boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts

•    We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again

•    Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted

•    If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO

•    Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner

•    Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut

•    Unrecognized input, get out of the class

•    Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !

•    WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER

•    Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

•    Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes

•    Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression

•    Hackers in Hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:\> hack into fbi"

•    BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

•    I survived an NT installation

•    The name is Baud......James Baud

•    My new car runs at 56Kbps

•    Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

•    File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

•    Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)

•    CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

•    Does fuzzy logic tickle?

•    Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?

•    Windows: Just another pane in the glass

•    Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

•    RAM disk is not an installation procedure

•    Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

•    The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?

•    Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

•    E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage

•    Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

•    Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue

•    Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue

•    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

•    Press every key to continue

•    Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..

•    Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!

•    Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources

•    To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so

•    Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing

•    Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS

•    (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza

•    Computers can never replace human stupidity

•    A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)

•    (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?

•    Bugs come in through open Windows

•    Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun

•    Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are

•    Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity

•    Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.

•    To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.

•    Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )

•    FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink

•    I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore

•    Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning

•    Black holes are where God divided by zero

•    Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

•    Thank god, my baby just compiled

•    Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output

•    Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously

•    Zap! And there was the blue screen !

•    Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)

•    MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam

•    A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them

•    PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days

•    1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist

•    1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied

•    Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"

•    If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!

•    A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

•    "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"

•    Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface

•    Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam

•    Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall

•    Real programmers can write assembly code in any language

•    Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it

•    Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?

•    Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?

•    All computers run at the same speed... with the power off

•    You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out

•    Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.

•    Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel

•    Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet

•    Shut up, or i'll flush you out

•    Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour

•    We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal

•    You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.

•    I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you

•    Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway

•    Webhost live help: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?

•    If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question

•    Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not

•    My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half

•    You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old

•    Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours

•    I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)

•    Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to RealAudio. And RealAudio leads to suffering

•    What color do you want that database?

•    C++ is a write-only language. I can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them

•    As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code

•    earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can

•    A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."

•    When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop

•    Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue

•    Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product

•    NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands

•    Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !

•    NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one

•    JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash

•    How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL

•    Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT

•    root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'

•    New Linux package released. Please install on /dev/null

•    Quake and uptime do not like each other

•    Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038

•    As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria -- Final Fantasy VIII

•    Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo

•    Unix is the only virus with a command line interface

•    Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system

•    How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!

•    God is real, unless declared integer

•    I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?

•    Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue

•    It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions

•    Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$

•    If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery

•    Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle

•    Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption

•    Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download

•    I had a dream... and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!

100 Essential Skills for Geeks

As Geeks we are expected to have a certain set of skills that the majority of the population does not possess. This list is by no means complete, but I think it is a good sample of the skills required to be a true geek. I won’t pretend to have all the skills listed here. I even had to Google a few of them.

Like all good Geeks you should be able to utilize resources to accomplish any of these things. Knowing where to look for the knowledge is as good as having it so give yourself points if you are certain that you could Google the knowledge necessary for a skill.
  1. Properly secure a wireless router.
  2. Crack the WEP key on a wireless router.
  3. Leech Wifi from your neighbor.
  4. Screw with Wifi leeches.
  5. Setup and use a VPN.
  6. Work from home or a coffee shop as effectively as you do at the office.
  7. Wire your own home with Ethernet cable.
  8. Turn a web camera into security camera.
  9. Use your 3G phone as a Wi-Fi access point.
  10. Understand what “There’s no Place Like 127.0.0.1” means.
  11. Identify key-loggers.
  12. Properly connect a TV, Tivo, XBox, Wii, and Apple TV so they all work together with the one remote.
  13. Program a universal remote.
  14. Swap out the battery on your iPod/iPhone.
  15. Benchmark Your Computer
  16. Identify all computer components on sight.
  17. Know which parts to order from NewEgg.com, and how to assemble them into a working PC.
  18. Troubleshoot any computer/gadget problem, over the phone.
  19. Use any piece of technology intuitively, without instruction or prior knowledge.
  20. How to irrecoverably protect data.
  21. Recover data from a dead hard drive.
  22. Share a printer between a Mac and a PC on a network.
  23. Install a Linux distribution. (Hint: Ubuntu 9.04 is easier than installing Windows)
  24. Remove a virus from a computer.
  25. Dual (or more) boot a computer.
  26. Boot a computer off a thumb drive.
  27. Boot a computer off a network drive.
  28. Replace or repair a laptop keyboard.
  29. Run more than two monitors on a single computer.
  30. Successfully disassemble and reassemble a laptop.
  31. Know at least 10 software easter eggs off the top of your head.
  32. Bypass a computer password on all major operating systems. Windows, Mac, Linux
  33. Carrying a computer cleaning arsenal on your USB drive.
  34. Bypass content filters on public computers.
  35. Protect your privacy when using a public computer.
  36. Surf the web anonymously from home.
  37. Buy a domain, configure bind, apache, MySQL, php, and Wordpress without Googling a how-to.
  38. Basic *nix command shell knowledge with the ability to edit and save a file with vi.
  39. Create a web site using vi.
  40. Transcode a DVD to play on a portable device.
  41. Hide a file in an image using steganography.
  42. Knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything.
  43. Share a single keyboard and mouse between multiple computers without a KVM switch.
  44. Google obscure facts in under 3 searches. Bonus point if you can use I Feel Lucky.
  45. Build amazing structures with LEGO and invent a compelling back story for the creation.
  46. Understand that it is LEGO, not Lego, Legos, or Lego’s.
  47. Build a two story house out of LEGO, in monochrome, with a balcony.
  48. Construct a costume for you or your kid out of scraps, duct tape, paper mâché, and imagination.
  49. Be able to pick a lock.
  50. Determine the combination of a Master combination padlock in under 10 minutes.
  51. Assemble IKEA furniture without looking at the instructions. Bonus point if you don’t have to backtrack.
  52. Use a digital SLR in full manual mode.
  53. Do cool things to Altoids tins.
  54. Be able to construct paper craft versions of space ships.
  55. Origami! Bonus point for duct tape origami. (Ductigami)
  56. Fix anything with duct tape, chewing gum and wire.
  57. Knowing how to avoid being eaten by a grue.
  58. Know what a grue is.
  59. Understand where XYZZY came from, and have used it.
  60. Play any SNES game on your computer through an emulator.
  61. Burn the rope.
  62. Know the Konami code, and where to use it.
  63. Whistle, hum, or play on an iPhone, the Cantina song.
  64. Learning to play the theme songs to the kids favorite TV shows.
  65. Solve a Rubik’s Cube.
  66. Calculate THAC0.
  67. Know the difference between skills and traits.
  68. Explain special relativity in terms an eight-year-old can grasp.
  69. Recite pi to 10 places or more.
  70. Be able to calculate tip and split the check, all in your head.
  71. Explain that the colours in a rainbow are roygbiv.
  72. Understand the electromagnetic spectrum – xray, uv, visible, infrared, microwave, radio.
  73. Know the difference between radiation and radioactive contamination.
  74. Understand basic electronics components like resistors, capacitors, inductors and transistors.
  75. Solder a circuit while bottle feeding an infant. (lead free solder please.)
  76. The meaning of technical acronyms.
  77. The coffee dash, blindfolded (or blurry eyed). Coffee [cream] [sugar]. In under a minute.
  78. Build a fighting robot.
  79. Program a fighting robot.
  80. Build a failsafe into a fighting robot so it doesn’t kill you.
  81. Be able to trace the Fellowship’s journey on a map of Middle Earth.
  82. Know all the names of the Dwarves in The Hobbit.
  83. Understand the difference between a comic book and a graphic novel.
  84. Know where your towel is and why it is important.
  85. Re-enact the parrot sketch.
  86. Know the words to The Lumberjack Song.
  87. Reciting key scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
  88. Be able to recite at least one Geek Movie word for word.
  89. Know what the 8th Chevron does on a Stargate and how much power is required to get a lock.
  90. Be able to explain why it’s important that Han shot first.
  91. Know why it is just wrong for Luke and Leia to kiss.
  92. Stop talking Star Wars long enough to get laid.
  93. The ability to name actors, characters and plotlines from the majority of sci-fi movies produced since 1968.
  94. Cite Mythbusters when debunking a myth or urban legend.
  95. Sleep with a Cricket bat next to your bed.
  96. Have a documented plan on what to do during a zombie or robot uprising.
  97. Identify evil alternate universe versions of friends, family, co-workers or self.
  98. Be able to convince TSA that the electronic parts you are carrying are really not a threat to passengers.
  99. Talk about things that aren’t tech related.
  100. Get something on the front page of Digg.

How to: Install Windows 7 using bootable pen drive


Some of you may be wondering why you would ever need a bootable pen drive or some of you may even don't get what exactly this post is all about. For those who do not understand what does the word 'boot' mean - "It's a process your computer follows every time it is turned on or restarted. The process is basically looking for the operating system in the memory" and when we say 'bootable' pen drive, it means your computer starts looking for the operating system (Windows in our case) in your pen drive.

Now for all those desperate and frustrated fellows who want to install Windows 7 in their system but aren't able to do so because of the hardware limitations (or any other reason), here's the procedure:

This is the tutorial for installing Windows 7 using a bootable pen drive but I believe you can install any Operating system in your computer using this procedure:

Pre-requisites:

1. A pen drive (4 GB minimum)
2. Windows 7 .ISO file (which you can make using any CD/DVD image creating software like MagicISO)
3. WinUSB maker Software (to make your pen drive bootable)
4. A computer with USB ports (does that sound obvious?)

Steps to follow:

1. Download WinUSB maker Software from here.
2. Extract the package files and run the application.
3. Connect your pen drive to the computer.
4. Now select your USB device (pen drive) using the drop down.



5. Now click on Setup to USB and select an ISO file to work with.






6. Now click on Make USB Bootable.




Here you go. Now it will format your device and will make it bootable with the .ISO image of Windows 7. You can check the file transfer status in the bar and once it is completed, you can remove the pen drive from the computer.




7. Now you need to follow a small step with the BIOS of your computer. You can enter BIOS of your computer by hitting F11 or Delete key (the keys vary from system to system. Look on the screen for exact key) on the very first screen which appears for few seconds as soon as you turn on/restart your computer.

8. Now you need to enter the Boot Menu of your BIOS and set your USB device as the first boot device in the list (use +, - keys to do this).




9. After saving the settings, exit BIOS.

10. Now connect your pen drive to your computer and restart it. As soon as you restart your computer, it will boot from the USB (pen drive) and will install Windows 7 in your computer (you will need to follow simple steps of Windows installation).

Subnet Basics

Ever get stressed out because you know that there would be subnetting question(s) in the next exam you are taking and that these questions easily take up 10 to 20 minutes of your precious exam time? What if there is more than one question?

The process of converting the subnet to binary and decimal can drive the unfamiliar insane, not to mention the waste of precious time and brain power which can be utilized for other areas of exam preparation.

Let's take a look at a shortcut method that will cut down the time needed to answer these questions without the need for a calculator.

Subnet Basics:

This article assumes that you know how to perform subnetting in the traditional method but it is important to stress that there are only 3 classes of usable IP addresses which are:


Class
Range
Subnet mask
Host bit
Subnet
Class A
1 - 126
(127 is reserved for loopback)
255.0.0.0
24
8
Class B
128 - 191
255.255.0.0
16
16
Class C
192 - 223
255.255.255.0
8
24

You must understand and remember this table well in order to master the shortcut.

Note: You must borrow at least 2 bits and must leave at least 2 bits.

The Subnet Table:

Bits Borrowed (N)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Bit Value
128
64
32
16
8
4
2
1
Subnet Mask
128
192
224
240
248
252
254
255
Number of Subnets ((2^N)-2)
0
2
6
14
30
62
126
254

Stop: Before continuing, please read this very important article regarding the use of the ((2^N)-2) method of subnetting.

If using the (2^N) method as defined in RFC 1878, your table would look like this instead.

Bits Borrowed (N)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Bit Value
128
64
32
16
8
4
2
1
Subnet Mask
128
192
224
240
248
252
254
255
Number of Subnets
(2^N)
2
4
8
16
32
64
128
256

The subnet table is commonly seen in lecture notes or certification guides but what the author/lecturer did not tell you is how to derive this table on the fly. Its actually quite simple, lets look at it line by line.

  1. Bits borrowed, this is the easy one, just remember that the table consists of only 8 columns.
  2. Bits Value, remember by heart that the first value starts with 128 and the subsequent values are divided by two.
  3. Subnet Mask, this line tells you what the subnet mask would be, to get the figures, add up the corresponding bits value and all of the values prior to it.
  4. 128 + 0 (there is no prior value) =128 128 + 64 = 192 192 + 32 = 224 224 + 16 = 240 240 + 8 = 248 248 + 4 = 252 252 + 2 + 254 254 + 1 + 255
  5. Number of Subnets, tells you how many subnet you'll get if you use the subnet mask. Just look at the corresponding N value at the top and you can derive the figures.
Once you understand how to derive the subnet table, spend some time practicing. I would advise you to draw out the table once you are in the exam room (before starting the actual exam) it will take you less than a minute.

How to Tackle the Questions:

There are only a few different ways that Microsoft or Cisco can phrase their questions, lets take a look at some examples:

Question Type 1:
If you are to determine the subnet mask based on a number of hosts and an IP address...

Example:
You are assigned an IP address of 172.30.0.0 and you need 1000 hosts on your network, what is your subnet mask.
  1. Determine the number of bits needed for the hosts. In this scenario, we need ten bits as 2^10 = 1024 (the question asks for 1000 hosts only).
  2. Determine the number of bits left for the subnet. 32 - (number of bits needed for the host) which is 32-10 = 22 bits.
  3. Determine the number of bits actually borrowed. We take the number of bits left for the subnet and minus as many 8s as possible as each 8 represents 1 octal. Therefore 22 - 8 - 8 = 6 bits were borrowed.
Bits Borrowed (N)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Bits Value
128
64
32
16
8
4
2
1
Subnet Mask
128
192
224
240
248
252
254
255
Number of Subnets
(2N-2)
0
2
6
14
30
62
126
254

With reference to the subnet table, 6 bits would have a subnet of 255.255.252.0 . Take note that a total of two 8s were subtracted off, therefore the first two octal would be 255.255.x.x and the 3rd octal was 6 bits borrowed which leaves with 255.255.252.x.

Question Type 2:
If you were given an IP address of 172.30.0.0 and you need 15 subnets...

Bits Borrowed (N)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Bits Value
128
64
32
16
8
4
2
1
Subnet Mask
128
192
224
240
248
252
254
255
Number of Subnets
(2N-2)
0
2
6
14
30
62
126
254

With reference to the subnet table, the subnet mask should be 255.255.248.0. 172.30.0.0 is a Class B address and the subnet should be 255.255.0.0.

Question Type 3:
You are assigned an IP address of 172.30.0.0 and you need 55 subnets, how many hosts do you have per subnet?
  1. Determine the number of bits used for the subnet.

    Bits Borrowed (N)
    1
    2
    3
    4
    5
    6
    7
    8
    Bits Value
    128
    64
    32
    16
    8
    4
    2
    1
    Subnet Mask
    128
    192
    224
    240
    248
    252
    254
    255
    Number of Subnets
    (2N-2)
    0
    2
    6
    14
    30
    62
    126
    254

    According to the chart, the closest match to 55 subnet would be 62 and therefore, the number of bits borrowed for the subnet is 6. Since 172.30.0.0 is a Class B, we would need to add another 16 bits to the 6 making it 22 bits in total.
  2. Determine the number of bits used for the host. Number of bits used for the hosts is 32 - (number of bits used for the subnet) which is 22 = 10 bits. 2^10-2 = 1022, therefore there are a total of 1022 usable hosts in each subnet.
The key to mastering this shortcut is the same as with any other mathematical question - pratice.

Good luck on your next exam.

-Snehal-